Name changes

Here at close to comedy, we believe that many organizations have trouble even living up to there own name. And how do we propose that we fix this problem? By changing there names of course!  So enjoy reading this delightfully humourous post that basically states that the world is going to cr@p.

1. Amazon.com needs to become Sendusmoneysowecansendyoustuffyouthinkyouneed.com

Has anyone ever actually thought about the name "amazon"? What does "amazon" have to do with making people spend all there cash on the web?Sendusmoneysowecansendyoustuffyouthinkyouneed makes alot more sense.

2. Walmart needs to become Mart
Considering the name isn't taken yet and Walmart is probably the largest store around, I think it can afford to be a little more general.

3. The United States government needs to become "the government" 
To prove that we are still a world power to all the haters (i.e the rest of the world), the US government needs to start by forcing a new name on all there friends. But china and Russia are still going to call them the United States government behind there back.

Headlines we don't want to see

Does this one even need explaining?

1. Pope Kanye West III put on fast track to sainthood

2. Walmart plans to sell proton colliders 

3. Oil found directly underneath Mecca 

4. Canada continues nuclear stand off with US

5. Kevin bacon to star in Cars 3 

6. Progress in the German/Ethiopian border crises 

7. Kim Jong Un given reality t.v. Show

8. Britain declares war on eggplant 

9. Alec Baldwin slight favorite for upcoming brawl with Charlie sheen

10. "YOLO" predicted to no longer be a "thing" by the year 2750 

And finally one we do want to see.....

11. Justin Beiber banished to Siberia!

Who will be our next president?

Below are the following people who may one any be the president of the United States. Sorry in advance Cris Cristy.

1. Elizabeth warren
Wether she likes it or not

2. That crack head kid guy from vine
YAAAAASSSSSS!

3. Me
Beacause I have a slightly funny blog with a handful of readers, around half of whom have probabably have voting rights in the United States.

4. A turtle
Or is that mich McConnell?

5. the person with the funniest t-shirt
Did I say might be president? Beacause the guy with the ironic graphic tee is definitely going to be president one day!

6. Cats
They've already started an aggressive campaign using social media.

Who did we forget? Do you want to campaign as a write in candidate? Let us know in the comments!

Coprehensive reviews for children's shows

1. Dog with a blog
Needs to focus more on a dog writing a damn blog, damn it!

2. Any Disney show made since 2003
A delightfully humorous and original story about a family that seems normal on the outside, but with one difference. The [insert-common-last-name-for-white-Americans here] have a [insert-small-and-harmless-yet-unrealistically-dull-detail here]!

3. Austin and ally
A story of a super famous pop star that only six-year-olds you frequently whatch his show know about.

4. Aurthur
I hear its like breaking bad, exept for four year olds.

5. WildCrats
Artfully done and- wait a minute, this is educational!?!? What is the meaning of this!?!?!? We need to stand up and ban the non-adventurey part of this show!!!!! Not that we care. We're adults who, um, don't care about the plot of a show marketed to four year olds.

Subliminal messaging

With all of the governments and corporations trying to control our minds today, it sincerly suprised me that there isn't a single crackpot website on the Internet that is entirely devoted to informing the public about those blood sucking devils in washingtons latest plan on corrupting our young. So, since the Internet has completely ignored conspiracy theories, here's a whole post on subliminal messaging!

1. MTV spelled backwards and very incorrectly is GLORRIFIES HYPERSEXUALITY  

2. The lyrics of "the alphabet song" can be rearranged to spell unspeakable phrases

3. Dead people look identical to the zombies that will one day rule the earth

 

5. Has anyone ever seen the president of the United States and Adolf hitler in the same point in time-space? Coincidence? I think not!

6. Every humanitarian born more than 120 years ago has died. Every. Single. One.

Are there more conspiracies we forgot to list? Tell us about them in the comments!

Are you thinking of buying a cat?

If you are considering adopting a new fury friend, here are some products you shoul consider getting before hand.

Healthy food
It's important to keep your little guy on a healthy, steady diet.

Collar with name, address, and phone number
If your fine feline gets lost, there should always be a way for someone who wants to help to contact you.

Military level grenade launcher
For if your little fuzzball gets lost, with dogs.

A fast, fast car
For if your purr-fect pal gets lost, with cop cars on his tail.

20,000,000 dollars, USD
It's equivalent in Brazilian Real is also acceptable

A nice scratching post
Especially important for indoor cats

A good attitude
One of the most important things for raising a happy, healthy, cat. Almost as important as...

Mob connections!!
Remember a bored cat is a sad cat, and quite frankly if you don't have any ties to organized crime, there will be barely anything meaningful for your cat to do.

If you follow these guidelines kind kitty will have a ball catching mice and indulging in its three favorite things: catnip, money, hoes!

Greetings from beautiful Damascus!

To read the beggining of Grammy Erma's story, click here.
To read her most recent installment click Here.

By: Grammy Erma J. Macintire

Hi blogger-friends!
It's me, Grammy erma again, and first off, does anyone reading know how to send an email? Unfortunately, my grandson refuses to help me beacause if he does he'll be tried for "treason", or he'll lose Instagram followers, or something along that line. Anyway, since I last wrote, I was forced to leave Moscow for violating some sort of "trade embargo" with the the united states. How as I supposed to make my famous chicken scaloppini without American chicken!?

Well, anyway, after leaving Russia, my options were very limited due to my previous online actions being "in high voilation of the UN human rights act" or "not swag" or something of that nature. But who was the one world leader who couldn't care less about this ruling? Good ole' Bashar Al-Assad, president of Syria! So here I am, in Damascus, waiting until further notice. But don't worry, old ermas got one more trick up her sleave! You see, when in Russia, I went looking around a top secret government facility where they were keeping me to find someone who knew why tumblr is spelled wrong, and bumped into a lab table. One foam fell into another liquid, and turns out I found a cure for the Ebola virus. Go figure. Well, anyway, I can use this cure to bribe Kerry and his friends on Capitol Hill to drop the treason charges in exchange for the cure, and the Grammy erma can return to her nice house in a Cleveland suburb.