Subliminal messaging

With all of the governments and corporations trying to control our minds today, it sincerly suprised me that there isn't a single crackpot website on the Internet that is entirely devoted to informing the public about those blood sucking devils in washingtons latest plan on corrupting our young. So, since the Internet has completely ignored conspiracy theories, here's a whole post on subliminal messaging!

1. MTV spelled backwards and very incorrectly is GLORRIFIES HYPERSEXUALITY  

2. The lyrics of "the alphabet song" can be rearranged to spell unspeakable phrases

3. Dead people look identical to the zombies that will one day rule the earth

 

5. Has anyone ever seen the president of the United States and Adolf hitler in the same point in time-space? Coincidence? I think not!

6. Every humanitarian born more than 120 years ago has died. Every. Single. One.

Are there more conspiracies we forgot to list? Tell us about them in the comments!

Are you thinking of buying a cat?

If you are considering adopting a new fury friend, here are some products you shoul consider getting before hand.

Healthy food
It's important to keep your little guy on a healthy, steady diet.

Collar with name, address, and phone number
If your fine feline gets lost, there should always be a way for someone who wants to help to contact you.

Military level grenade launcher
For if your little fuzzball gets lost, with dogs.

A fast, fast car
For if your purr-fect pal gets lost, with cop cars on his tail.

20,000,000 dollars, USD
It's equivalent in Brazilian Real is also acceptable

A nice scratching post
Especially important for indoor cats

A good attitude
One of the most important things for raising a happy, healthy, cat. Almost as important as...

Mob connections!!
Remember a bored cat is a sad cat, and quite frankly if you don't have any ties to organized crime, there will be barely anything meaningful for your cat to do.

If you follow these guidelines kind kitty will have a ball catching mice and indulging in its three favorite things: catnip, money, hoes!

Greetings from beautiful Damascus!

To read the beggining of Grammy Erma's story, click here.
To read her most recent installment click Here.

By: Grammy Erma J. Macintire

Hi blogger-friends!
It's me, Grammy erma again, and first off, does anyone reading know how to send an email? Unfortunately, my grandson refuses to help me beacause if he does he'll be tried for "treason", or he'll lose Instagram followers, or something along that line. Anyway, since I last wrote, I was forced to leave Moscow for violating some sort of "trade embargo" with the the united states. How as I supposed to make my famous chicken scaloppini without American chicken!?

Well, anyway, after leaving Russia, my options were very limited due to my previous online actions being "in high voilation of the UN human rights act" or "not swag" or something of that nature. But who was the one world leader who couldn't care less about this ruling? Good ole' Bashar Al-Assad, president of Syria! So here I am, in Damascus, waiting until further notice. But don't worry, old ermas got one more trick up her sleave! You see, when in Russia, I went looking around a top secret government facility where they were keeping me to find someone who knew why tumblr is spelled wrong, and bumped into a lab table. One foam fell into another liquid, and turns out I found a cure for the Ebola virus. Go figure. Well, anyway, I can use this cure to bribe Kerry and his friends on Capitol Hill to drop the treason charges in exchange for the cure, and the Grammy erma can return to her nice house in a Cleveland suburb.

the 9 circles of hell

1. All individuals sent to this level of hell are condemned to listen to an eternal speech by Elizabeth Warren.

2. Down to level 2 these poor people are enslaved into watching an eternal English soccer game.

3. 2 words: Chelsea. Lately.

4. Fall to circle four and you end up with a one way ticket to Mongolia.

5. If you mess up in your first life very seriously, they make you follow the path of Michael Jackson until you're scarcely more than a small, bleached rectangle of skin that sporadically emits sounds too high to be audible to the human ear.

6. In circle 6, you are doomed to an eternity of being a contestant on Hell's Kitchen that actually doesn't know how to cook.

7. If you end another human life, listen to Rebecca Black's Friday until you are convinced its decent music (so, forever).

8 if you are a multi-murderer or terrorist, continue with your normal life in circle eight, exept no Starbucks burrista will ever spell your name right again.

9. If you end up here, the devil makes you spend one weekend in Detroit.

Just 3 questions for hollywood

Why is it that any decent action film has that one part in the movie where the particular vehicle the star is in goes into self destruct mode? I mean, hasn't he or she seen enough of Arnold Schwarzenegger's Predator to know not to be touching unknown buttons? I would think that screen ing that film would be part of commando training.

Don't get me started on sports movies. Why is it that virtually every sports movie is the story of how some loser makes it to the finals of WHICHEVER tournament, league, round he or she is in? And in the finals they face their archrival and win by a single point in the last second! Just once I'd like to see the under dog who "had a good run but got knocked off in the quarter finals."

Why the funny guy? I never liked the funny guy, when his name was Olaf the Snowman, when his name was hippie #2 in Forrest Gump, and so on. You know that if a movie isn't quite comedically par if the need to define one singular character as "the funny guy".

Is there a problem with movies that we forgot? Shame us in the comments!

Progress in the war

(And now a word from the president of the United States of America.)

Hello fellow Americans. As you all know, in the past months, our troops have been engaged in a bloody, fast moving, war. In recent weeks, only minor scrimmages have broken out between between out troops and the rebels. But I am pleased to inform you progress is being made. 

I know many people do not support this war. Many people believe Obesity should be fought with fruits and veggies, not guns and bombs. But many of you have not seen the horrors that face the citizens just happening to live on the front line. Believe me, if we opened our check points for just two hours, enough fatties would get through to take down New York City. This week, we pushed the rotund all the way to eastern Arkansas, and saved over a dozen POWs. But there is still more to be done. Small rebel groups fave broken out in as secure areas as Europe. If this happens in your neighborhood, we encourage vigilante justice. If you see a fattie, be it a man woman or child, shoot to kill. Due to there metabolism, there is no way to convert them back to hardworking Americans. 

Now, I know as well as anyone the toll this war has taken on our country. Some people claim to be unable to afford enough food for themselves and there children. But, considering our situation, that seems more like a blessing then a curse. Which is why I am now proposing to heighten all taxes on foodstuffs by 76% to fund our military campaign. I am not suggesting that everyone needs to become a die hart anorexic patriot, (it would help!) but all I ask is that you, as an American, teach your children the horrors of being a fat ass, should they ever be confronted with recruiters packing doughnuts. Remember, if we remain united, there is no fattie we can't bring down.

Until next time, remember: if they aren't fat, they aren't foes!

Letters

Alien script Háwféri translated to modern English
Note: some punctuation may be different due to different phrasing by the extra terrestrial species.


Dear. Motherboard.

Eight months away from finishing full scan of planet 2eS4b (earth). Plentiful planet. (for sure) but the main life forms are quite. Peculiar.
As of the most. Recent scan, .. we have figured that the 'humans'  have a singular world. Leader or king.
Our scouts have not determined who this. Person is, but we have minimized the possible candidates to five Individuals.
Miley. Ray. Cyrus. Appears in numerous media systems. Quite popular among the .male.   Specimens. We believe that if we are to conquer this planet. We will have to annihilate her secret weapon we believe to be nicknamed "the wrecking  ball."

Honey. Boo Boo.
Smaller version of the Cyrus specimen, possibly a prototype genetically.
Appears to have control over the other individuals in her vicinity and is often broadcasted on their talking image machines.

Nash. Grier.
On almost all media systems we have found this .individual. To be quite dominant. My colleagues and I....... believe that this is our top candidate. Unfortunately. We believe him to have a matrix of defenses, so if we wish him to be in our. Power. We will have to first annihilate his nebula of .female. Slaves on a nebula known as vine. Finally we will have to kill his personal bodyguards known commonly as. Jack and Jack.

Stephen. Colbert.
If this man is there leader, we may want to avoid, contact with the earthlings. As he has the ability to hide and disguise commands to his followers through "Sarchasm".  Colbert. Is another likely possibility, his "Colbert Nation" is ever popular in human society. If we are to! Attack the earthlings, it will be almost impossible to tell wether there defence strategies are real, or just made to bring on the human sensation of laughter. This man scored high in popularity with our,"Intellectual" specimens.

One. Direction.
This military group almost certainly controls most of Europe and. North America. They broadcast their rallying  messages over every form of the radio medium. These radio messages were, in fact the first ever contact we received from the earthlings. They appear to be an extremely vain militia, as "the story of there lives" is memorized by countless earthling school girls. They use mind ccontrol tactics in there massage "best song ever". And destroy there followers self esteem with "you don't know you're beautiful". From the stories we have been told by our specimens, the may be happy to be enslaved, as it would mean freedom from their current oppressive Government.

Who do you think our leader is? Tell us in the comments!

Things you'll never hear: part II

This week from Forrest Gump!

You know what Jennay? I've had quite enough of your indecision.

Mama always told me if ya want your kid in a good school, play the schoolteacher like a ukulele. 

Mama always told me, if you want to make money in the market, ya gotta play the brockage houses like a ukulele. 

Bubba: I'm gone be okay Forrest, I'm gone be okay.
Forrest: no you won't. You gone die.

I named by boat WETDREAM. After Jennay. 

If only mama respected my intellectual capacity. 

Every one was very nice at the army. Exept private Fischer. Stupid private Fischer.

Momma always said I should have been played by John Goodman.

Is there something obviously hilarious that we missed? Give suggestions/reprimand us in the comments!

You might be insane if...

Home diagnosis is growing more and more popular. So now instead of waisting your time or that of a highly trained doctor to get your diagnosis, waist my time! some relatively funny stranger! If you expirence any these symptoms, call your doctor, or a better comedian.

• You are crazy if you interpret "the matrix" as literal truth
• You are more insane if you interpret "the matrix: reloaded" as a film par to "the matrix"
• You are even more insane if you interpret "the national inquirer" as literal truth
• You are insane if you believe that your microwave doesn't just control your mind, but those of all living beings
• You have this page bookmarked
• You do not listen when people tell you that Dr. Strangelove  "was supposed to be a comedy"
• You believe that the onion is an off shoot of this blog