Name changes

Here at close to comedy, we believe that many organizations have trouble even living up to there own name. And how do we propose that we fix this problem? By changing there names of course!  So enjoy reading this delightfully humourous post that basically states that the world is going to cr@p.

1. Amazon.com needs to become Sendusmoneysowecansendyoustuffyouthinkyouneed.com

Has anyone ever actually thought about the name "amazon"? What does "amazon" have to do with making people spend all there cash on the web?Sendusmoneysowecansendyoustuffyouthinkyouneed makes alot more sense.

2. Walmart needs to become Mart
Considering the name isn't taken yet and Walmart is probably the largest store around, I think it can afford to be a little more general.

3. The United States government needs to become "the government" 
To prove that we are still a world power to all the haters (i.e the rest of the world), the US government needs to start by forcing a new name on all there friends. But china and Russia are still going to call them the United States government behind there back.

Headlines we don't want to see

Does this one even need explaining?

1. Pope Kanye West III put on fast track to sainthood

2. Walmart plans to sell proton colliders 

3. Oil found directly underneath Mecca 

4. Canada continues nuclear stand off with US

5. Kevin bacon to star in Cars 3 

6. Progress in the German/Ethiopian border crises 

7. Kim Jong Un given reality t.v. Show

8. Britain declares war on eggplant 

9. Alec Baldwin slight favorite for upcoming brawl with Charlie sheen

10. "YOLO" predicted to no longer be a "thing" by the year 2750 

And finally one we do want to see.....

11. Justin Beiber banished to Siberia!

Who will be our next president?

Below are the following people who may one any be the president of the United States. Sorry in advance Cris Cristy.

1. Elizabeth warren
Wether she likes it or not

2. That crack head kid guy from vine
YAAAAASSSSSS!

3. Me
Beacause I have a slightly funny blog with a handful of readers, around half of whom have probabably have voting rights in the United States.

4. A turtle
Or is that mich McConnell?

5. the person with the funniest t-shirt
Did I say might be president? Beacause the guy with the ironic graphic tee is definitely going to be president one day!

6. Cats
They've already started an aggressive campaign using social media.

Who did we forget? Do you want to campaign as a write in candidate? Let us know in the comments!

Coprehensive reviews for children's shows

1. Dog with a blog
Needs to focus more on a dog writing a damn blog, damn it!

2. Any Disney show made since 2003
A delightfully humorous and original story about a family that seems normal on the outside, but with one difference. The [insert-common-last-name-for-white-Americans here] have a [insert-small-and-harmless-yet-unrealistically-dull-detail here]!

3. Austin and ally
A story of a super famous pop star that only six-year-olds you frequently whatch his show know about.

4. Aurthur
I hear its like breaking bad, exept for four year olds.

5. WildCrats
Artfully done and- wait a minute, this is educational!?!? What is the meaning of this!?!?!? We need to stand up and ban the non-adventurey part of this show!!!!! Not that we care. We're adults who, um, don't care about the plot of a show marketed to four year olds.

Subliminal messaging

With all of the governments and corporations trying to control our minds today, it sincerly suprised me that there isn't a single crackpot website on the Internet that is entirely devoted to informing the public about those blood sucking devils in washingtons latest plan on corrupting our young. So, since the Internet has completely ignored conspiracy theories, here's a whole post on subliminal messaging!

1. MTV spelled backwards and very incorrectly is GLORRIFIES HYPERSEXUALITY  

2. The lyrics of "the alphabet song" can be rearranged to spell unspeakable phrases

3. Dead people look identical to the zombies that will one day rule the earth

 

5. Has anyone ever seen the president of the United States and Adolf hitler in the same point in time-space? Coincidence? I think not!

6. Every humanitarian born more than 120 years ago has died. Every. Single. One.

Are there more conspiracies we forgot to list? Tell us about them in the comments!

Are you thinking of buying a cat?

If you are considering adopting a new fury friend, here are some products you shoul consider getting before hand.

Healthy food
It's important to keep your little guy on a healthy, steady diet.

Collar with name, address, and phone number
If your fine feline gets lost, there should always be a way for someone who wants to help to contact you.

Military level grenade launcher
For if your little fuzzball gets lost, with dogs.

A fast, fast car
For if your purr-fect pal gets lost, with cop cars on his tail.

20,000,000 dollars, USD
It's equivalent in Brazilian Real is also acceptable

A nice scratching post
Especially important for indoor cats

A good attitude
One of the most important things for raising a happy, healthy, cat. Almost as important as...

Mob connections!!
Remember a bored cat is a sad cat, and quite frankly if you don't have any ties to organized crime, there will be barely anything meaningful for your cat to do.

If you follow these guidelines kind kitty will have a ball catching mice and indulging in its three favorite things: catnip, money, hoes!

Greetings from beautiful Damascus!

To read the beggining of Grammy Erma's story, click here.
To read her most recent installment click Here.

By: Grammy Erma J. Macintire

Hi blogger-friends!
It's me, Grammy erma again, and first off, does anyone reading know how to send an email? Unfortunately, my grandson refuses to help me beacause if he does he'll be tried for "treason", or he'll lose Instagram followers, or something along that line. Anyway, since I last wrote, I was forced to leave Moscow for violating some sort of "trade embargo" with the the united states. How as I supposed to make my famous chicken scaloppini without American chicken!?

Well, anyway, after leaving Russia, my options were very limited due to my previous online actions being "in high voilation of the UN human rights act" or "not swag" or something of that nature. But who was the one world leader who couldn't care less about this ruling? Good ole' Bashar Al-Assad, president of Syria! So here I am, in Damascus, waiting until further notice. But don't worry, old ermas got one more trick up her sleave! You see, when in Russia, I went looking around a top secret government facility where they were keeping me to find someone who knew why tumblr is spelled wrong, and bumped into a lab table. One foam fell into another liquid, and turns out I found a cure for the Ebola virus. Go figure. Well, anyway, I can use this cure to bribe Kerry and his friends on Capitol Hill to drop the treason charges in exchange for the cure, and the Grammy erma can return to her nice house in a Cleveland suburb.

the 9 circles of hell

1. All individuals sent to this level of hell are condemned to listen to an eternal speech by Elizabeth Warren.

2. Down to level 2 these poor people are enslaved into watching an eternal English soccer game.

3. 2 words: Chelsea. Lately.

4. Fall to circle four and you end up with a one way ticket to Mongolia.

5. If you mess up in your first life very seriously, they make you follow the path of Michael Jackson until you're scarcely more than a small, bleached rectangle of skin that sporadically emits sounds too high to be audible to the human ear.

6. In circle 6, you are doomed to an eternity of being a contestant on Hell's Kitchen that actually doesn't know how to cook.

7. If you end another human life, listen to Rebecca Black's Friday until you are convinced its decent music (so, forever).

8 if you are a multi-murderer or terrorist, continue with your normal life in circle eight, exept no Starbucks burrista will ever spell your name right again.

9. If you end up here, the devil makes you spend one weekend in Detroit.

Just 3 questions for hollywood

Why is it that any decent action film has that one part in the movie where the particular vehicle the star is in goes into self destruct mode? I mean, hasn't he or she seen enough of Arnold Schwarzenegger's Predator to know not to be touching unknown buttons? I would think that screen ing that film would be part of commando training.

Don't get me started on sports movies. Why is it that virtually every sports movie is the story of how some loser makes it to the finals of WHICHEVER tournament, league, round he or she is in? And in the finals they face their archrival and win by a single point in the last second! Just once I'd like to see the under dog who "had a good run but got knocked off in the quarter finals."

Why the funny guy? I never liked the funny guy, when his name was Olaf the Snowman, when his name was hippie #2 in Forrest Gump, and so on. You know that if a movie isn't quite comedically par if the need to define one singular character as "the funny guy".

Is there a problem with movies that we forgot? Shame us in the comments!

Progress in the war

(And now a word from the president of the United States of America.)

Hello fellow Americans. As you all know, in the past months, our troops have been engaged in a bloody, fast moving, war. In recent weeks, only minor scrimmages have broken out between between out troops and the rebels. But I am pleased to inform you progress is being made. 

I know many people do not support this war. Many people believe Obesity should be fought with fruits and veggies, not guns and bombs. But many of you have not seen the horrors that face the citizens just happening to live on the front line. Believe me, if we opened our check points for just two hours, enough fatties would get through to take down New York City. This week, we pushed the rotund all the way to eastern Arkansas, and saved over a dozen POWs. But there is still more to be done. Small rebel groups fave broken out in as secure areas as Europe. If this happens in your neighborhood, we encourage vigilante justice. If you see a fattie, be it a man woman or child, shoot to kill. Due to there metabolism, there is no way to convert them back to hardworking Americans. 

Now, I know as well as anyone the toll this war has taken on our country. Some people claim to be unable to afford enough food for themselves and there children. But, considering our situation, that seems more like a blessing then a curse. Which is why I am now proposing to heighten all taxes on foodstuffs by 76% to fund our military campaign. I am not suggesting that everyone needs to become a die hart anorexic patriot, (it would help!) but all I ask is that you, as an American, teach your children the horrors of being a fat ass, should they ever be confronted with recruiters packing doughnuts. Remember, if we remain united, there is no fattie we can't bring down.

Until next time, remember: if they aren't fat, they aren't foes!

Letters

Alien script Háwféri translated to modern English
Note: some punctuation may be different due to different phrasing by the extra terrestrial species.


Dear. Motherboard.

Eight months away from finishing full scan of planet 2eS4b (earth). Plentiful planet. (for sure) but the main life forms are quite. Peculiar.
As of the most. Recent scan, .. we have figured that the 'humans'  have a singular world. Leader or king.
Our scouts have not determined who this. Person is, but we have minimized the possible candidates to five Individuals.
Miley. Ray. Cyrus. Appears in numerous media systems. Quite popular among the .male.   Specimens. We believe that if we are to conquer this planet. We will have to annihilate her secret weapon we believe to be nicknamed "the wrecking  ball."

Honey. Boo Boo.
Smaller version of the Cyrus specimen, possibly a prototype genetically.
Appears to have control over the other individuals in her vicinity and is often broadcasted on their talking image machines.

Nash. Grier.
On almost all media systems we have found this .individual. To be quite dominant. My colleagues and I....... believe that this is our top candidate. Unfortunately. We believe him to have a matrix of defenses, so if we wish him to be in our. Power. We will have to first annihilate his nebula of .female. Slaves on a nebula known as vine. Finally we will have to kill his personal bodyguards known commonly as. Jack and Jack.

Stephen. Colbert.
If this man is there leader, we may want to avoid, contact with the earthlings. As he has the ability to hide and disguise commands to his followers through "Sarchasm".  Colbert. Is another likely possibility, his "Colbert Nation" is ever popular in human society. If we are to! Attack the earthlings, it will be almost impossible to tell wether there defence strategies are real, or just made to bring on the human sensation of laughter. This man scored high in popularity with our,"Intellectual" specimens.

One. Direction.
This military group almost certainly controls most of Europe and. North America. They broadcast their rallying  messages over every form of the radio medium. These radio messages were, in fact the first ever contact we received from the earthlings. They appear to be an extremely vain militia, as "the story of there lives" is memorized by countless earthling school girls. They use mind ccontrol tactics in there massage "best song ever". And destroy there followers self esteem with "you don't know you're beautiful". From the stories we have been told by our specimens, the may be happy to be enslaved, as it would mean freedom from their current oppressive Government.

Who do you think our leader is? Tell us in the comments!

Things you'll never hear: part II

This week from Forrest Gump!

You know what Jennay? I've had quite enough of your indecision.

Mama always told me if ya want your kid in a good school, play the schoolteacher like a ukulele. 

Mama always told me, if you want to make money in the market, ya gotta play the brockage houses like a ukulele. 

Bubba: I'm gone be okay Forrest, I'm gone be okay.
Forrest: no you won't. You gone die.

I named by boat WETDREAM. After Jennay. 

If only mama respected my intellectual capacity. 

Every one was very nice at the army. Exept private Fischer. Stupid private Fischer.

Momma always said I should have been played by John Goodman.

Is there something obviously hilarious that we missed? Give suggestions/reprimand us in the comments!

You might be insane if...

Home diagnosis is growing more and more popular. So now instead of waisting your time or that of a highly trained doctor to get your diagnosis, waist my time! some relatively funny stranger! If you expirence any these symptoms, call your doctor, or a better comedian.

• You are crazy if you interpret "the matrix" as literal truth
• You are more insane if you interpret "the matrix: reloaded" as a film par to "the matrix"
• You are even more insane if you interpret "the national inquirer" as literal truth
• You are insane if you believe that your microwave doesn't just control your mind, but those of all living beings
• You have this page bookmarked
• You do not listen when people tell you that Dr. Strangelove  "was supposed to be a comedy"
• You believe that the onion is an off shoot of this blog

Search: restaurants in the boston area

Oh, sorry. It's Grammy Erma here again, trying to figure out how to use "google". In any event I'm very happy to say hello to my cyber-buddies again. Well in case you don't remember, last we spoke I had "hacked" in to Bloggers "mainframe", accidentally posting on this blog. I also found a variety of credit card numbers, and top secret email addresses.  Now, I am considered the best hacker of my time, but I still wasn't able to figure out how to make a Facebook account. Now, I am being harbored in Russia for a multitude of crimes against the US government. The worst part is, for fear of being persecuted for treason, my grandson is no longer able to help me on my path to understanding the web. Which is why I'm here.  Go figure.   Well now I need to go, I'm being called away for a video chat with the Secretary of State. I just hope I don't need to set it up myself.

Introduction to the Church of the Enlightened Deity

Hello there! My name is reverend/imperial wizard Jim Roberts, and I'm here to talk about my life calling, the Church of the Enlightened Deity. My religion has been accused of being a "brain washing  cult" and having a "ridiculous backstory", but I'm here to prove the skeptics wrong. We are a group of intelligent and well rounded individuals who have found faith in our "enlightened deity". Together we have led charities to help the local poor community,  and led groups that help clean up our nieghbor hood. We believe our known universe is controlled by one being: this overlord has many names, but in human english she is referred to as Toto. Her earthly form is pictured below:

Now, this is where many people start to wonder, "you think a dog controls the world?", but I will be the first to tell you that our infinite goddess is anything but a dog. She holds all the knowledge imaginable to the human race. She has protected our sector of the cosmos in all seven Grytog wars.  And most importantly, she is our creator.  Her avatar currently exists in the northeast, and her "owners" unfortunately do not except her all powerful nature. With her red hot laser eyes, she could destroy our domain in approximately .0000000455 milliseconds. After death, you will become aware of her power, but if you did not acknowledge her in your living days, you shall be punished justly. So don't  wait! Send fifty dollars to  45 brigfield avenue, Shroudslyn, Mississippi. Come judgement day, you'll be glad you did!

7 signs corporations have gone too far

Pretty much everything we do nowadays is in some form dictated by corporations. So now, you are left with two options: buy a gun and take out those greedy CEOs yourself, or suppress your anger and read a semi-funny listicle.

1. Walmart officially replaces the us government

2. It gets to a point where "Netflix" and "life support" are to 100% synonymous. Remember future society, if the doctors ever suggest pulling grandmas Netflix  subscription, even if she's been brain dead for the last 3 months without any signs of improvement, you fight them to the last breath.

3. When Macdonalds is growing faster than the human race. The population, I mean. Not the width. That would be a paradox

4. eBay starts selling food, money, body parts, wives/husbands, and slaves.

5. When "followers" dictate wether our adolescent population lives or dies. Oh, and a mean girls death panel. There are death panels in that movie, right? I haven't seen it, so I'm just assuming.

6. *

7. The term "apple" is rarely thought of as the fruit, but as a company that basically takes stuff from Star Trek, and then sells it to you. In addition, all fruit available in the US is sold to people to people through


* this is where I would say something about google, but I don't think I'm allowed to do that. Well, maybe if this was on Wordpress I could.

Is this working?

By erma macintire

Is this thing on? I still don't understand why my grandson won't let me type this on my type writer, I guess it's because it doesn't have cable or H.D. or something... Well anyway you might be excited to know that this Grammy erma's first time on the inter web,or X-box or something. I'm still getting the hang of it, so I have no idea if this post will go through or not. If it doesn't i really don't care, I just want to be able to book cruises using the computator, or microwave, or something. But my grandson left me with this computer and I somehow found my way here. Wait, here he comes. 

Now I'm being reprimanded beacause I "hacked" into one of googles "mainframes", and its " highly illegal" and that "this blog isn't even funny". All well, I knew computers weren't for me. Well, maybe I will do this again, but until that day, See you on the blogosphere, or Netflix, or something.

Postcards from Kim Jong Un to American Press

Translated: traditional Korean formatted into modern English.

June 2nd:
Having tons of fun in Fiji!!!! My wife Ri Sol-ju and I have been enjoying the beach very much indeed. The sand is as white as marble, and as soft as silk, and the sunset lighting is ideal for the drone and missile training operations!

July 4th:
Hi again!!! We're in Tonga!!! It is beautiful here as well, though extremely quiet. Everything is quite tempered down today, as this day holds no global significance that I know of.

July 16th:
Bonjour from Tahiti, in French Polynesia!! After staying in Tonga the villagers lent* us some of their people to be servants as a gift. Played a little B-Ball here at the courts, showing off some moves. People need to learn its not about the dog in the fight, its about how much you threaten the referee at gunpoint!
August 1st: Heading  to American Samoa which I hear is a very nice... uh oh.



*Note from TPF(Tongan Police Force) Maui Houwi, a village elder was held at gunpoint and forced to give his six daughters away as slaves to the Korean government on July 16th, 2014

Doomed websites

Got a horrible idea for a website? Well, there's an app for that.  But like, not actually. With an app or without, here are some of our very best ideas for the very worst websites.

Insestry.com  so you can tell exactly where things went wrong.

Racebook  for geeky white guys/girls who desperately want at least one black friend

Stumblr where you can buy discount prosthetics. No refunds.

Gaypal essentially the same thing as racebook, except for rednecks who want to be friends with one o' dem' homer-sexuals

kol.com koalas online. Offers a decent product, but koalas on computers just cant compete in this modern era

Willslist same thing as Craig's list, but only for some creep named will.

why this country has failed considerably

Anthony Weiner is in it.

Seth MacFarlane, one of the premier figures in the show biz could not find a more creative name for his sitcom than "Family Guy"

The vice president can barely remember the presidents name, never mind remember how to actually be a  vice president.

About half of our population looks at Miley Cyrus and thinks,"good for her!"

That same half of the population believes the safest way to rid us of our worldly problems is to just "nuke" the place

"The whopper" isn't just a thing, its food.

The most popular and successful restaurant, christened Madonalds, has caused more deaths than the smallpox epidemic.

The most revered and respected individuals in the juvenile society are people named "Snoop Dawg and 2Chainz."

And on that subject, snoop dawg felt it was absolutely necessary to change his whole persona to "snoop lion"

 We are fat.

Puggle's Inspiring Story

So, after being invited to half comedian's close comedy blog, your probably thinking, great. Some guy who calls himself Puggle the inchworm is here, and hes gonna sabotage what was a decent website. But its not what you think; we are going to sabotage it together.

I was invited by Half Comedian after all, because of my amazing story. Life back at the farm was hard. My master, who I deeply admire, was always deep in work, feeding the other animals and so on. I was by far his favorite. was there a romantic relationship between us? I cant deny it, but he had to leave his wife, and let me tell you, it wasn't because of  Caren the cow. well, in any event, one day, our  tractor broke down, and smoke fumed out of it. the mechanic disapproved of our relationship, and I was not surprised when he got some car oil in his eyes when the tractor started smoldering.

Luckily, I've always done some basic aerobics, and I was perfectly in shape to twist my body around the key, and stop the tractor from moving. My master was saved, suffering minor burns and nothing more.

A note from The half comedian: I decided that this blog needed some fresh blood. I got a lot of resumes, but settled on the talking inch worm. well, he sounds like a creep, but maybe he will be funny? who am I kidding, this blog was never really "funny" In the first place. I would call it more "Avant garde" or "flatulent"

A resume

In the process of making a resume? Wasting time on the Internet when you should be looking for a job? Unable to support your family in your present situation? Well maybe this will take your mind off of how much of an unreliable jerk your are.

 Name: person mcpersonson
Number:7 (because, like, always gets this in fortune cookies)
Email: snailmail@gmail.com

Education:
On da streetz
hippie-school-where-they-dont-actually-teach-anything school
Phoenix university

Accomplishments

Once saw a blimp
        Spotted it out himself and everything
        Kept track of it until it was out of sight
        Once out of sight, only cried a little bit

Got tongue stuck in dog leash clip
         Exhibited problem solving skills by trying every thing he could think of to get it off before asking for help
         Used teamwork to prevent himself from running away when his mother tried to help him
         Learned from experience, has only put the leash back in his mouth like, 4 times since the incident

Snorted water up his nose
           After incident was over, wondered philosophically about what might have compelled him to do so
          Made advancements in medical science by discovering that you can, in fact, get a cold from trying to breath liquid

Added to English dictionary
        Kenga,
        noun,
        the act of rirfasing, to fitsahyer
        see hisoniose, disauwqer


Activities

Person enjoys poking himself in the eye with a large stick to prove to his mother it does not hurt. He is an avid viewer of Fox News, because he feels the reporters there see the world in the same way he does. He also likes to have tea with chipmunks and upon their request, start fires on his neighbors property. He also enjoys spending time with the other neighborhood kids, who call him playfully by his nick name, F!#?ing 'tard.

Things you will never hear

Introducing a new segment called "Things you'll never hear". This week, from Hulk hogan! Enjoy, I guess.

"Our trip to Sicily was Fabulous!" Or for that matter, "fabulous!"

"No, I'm never going to dye my hair. Are you crazy!?" Or, assuming he is not a hypocrite, "Are you crazy!?!"

"I'll need to think about that"

"The problem with America is...."

"But what I really like about her is her personality"

"Oh, sorry, I'm busy that day. I have my meeting with the Dali lama." Or for that matter, "Oh, sorry"

"Acai berries"

"If I regret anything in my life, its...."

"You know where's nice? France. I think I'll move there and start a vinyard"

 "What do you mean in not heavy enough to go on this ride!?!"

"Please, show some class guys"

If there's one thing I hate, it's...
A)steroid users
B)fake sports
C)the  corruption of the church

"If only there weren't so many good for nothing rednecks terrorizing the US economy!"


*no offense hulk

Some obituaries

What's funnier than literary buffs? Death of course! This is like 1000 ways to die, exept instead of 1000, there are two, for now.

Daniel Jacobs, 51
Daniel has been fighting MS for five years now. When he was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer six months ago, his family nearly gave up hope. But not Daniel. He finally made it to the top of the list for a liver donation, and swore never to drink again. The seemingly deadly heart attack turned out to be less than doctors thought. And through painful months of chemo therapy, away went the cancer. On his way out of the hospital, our hero did not see a long narrow starway, and was crushed by his wheelchair. Donations may be made to The Wheelchair ramp Awareness fund.

Craig Wilson,  42
Craig was often thought of as the clutz of  Jonson & Jonson accounting firm. But when he scored the winning touchdown during the flag football game at the office family picknick, his whole team celebrated! Alas, coworker David Barnes, in attempt to give Craig an encouraging pat on the back, pushed down the newfound star in the hieght of his glory, causing him to snap his neck. Barnes is being charged with manslaughter.

A very interesting post

There are many people out in the world today, taking in information and transforming it into original opinions.  When a vast majority of these people see something one way, it is labeled fact.  These biases create the world we live in. Recently, some members of my circle of acquaintances brought a point to the front of my mind. They believed that there was no way that I, using the blog that you read today, could write a full length post without ever getting to a definable point. I, in my rebellious nature, quickly took the opposite side of this debate. While they believed that every post needed a purpose, and not just fancy sounding words strung together with very important sounding a broad anecdotes, I realized that I could, in fact, use intellectual sounding word choose to prove to the hoards that they were reading something concrete. This all reminds me of a friend won worked for life magazine, and was assigned to travel to North Korea to photogph the poverty there. Anyway, like many dreamers of my time, I set out to prove the opposition wrong. I studied slightly related statistics. I reminisced about childhood adventures to serve as cheap metphors, and I did everything in my power to keep a story from developing past the setup. Ideally, after sitting down to read this post to impress smarter people, the common person would switch to flappy bird around now, and anyone smarter would realize that this story would never progress. Now, it will suddenly be the end, and you will feel like you missed an important detail beacause you feel extremely lost.
Keep reading for analysis by Daniel Hoyt

Questions I want answered 1

Media tells me that comedic things have running segments. Here goes nothing!

Whats with Buddhas eating disorder? Didn't he say he was going to starve for his people or go on a diet or something?

What is it that makes plumbers, cable guys, and electricians think that they are the absolute unquestionable rulers of the universe? You try telling your boss or professor or teacher that you will arrive between 8:00 and 2:00 tomorrow.

Pat from SNL turned out to be a girl!?!?

Why on earth would chihuahua be hairless?! They live in Mexico, and they still shiver.

Who is reading this right now? More specifically, is a monkey reading this right now? I like monkeys.

Why do I have the egotistical need for strangers to read my thoughts and comments?

Who is, you know, that guy from community?

Is Seth mcfarlene an identity thief? Whatch out Matt Groening. It all adds up if you think about it.

Why are you still reading? This segment is over!

First post

Um, hi.
Wait, did I just start the first post of my blog with the word "um"?! Maybe this whole "blog" thing isn't for me. Well, I'm not so great with introductions, so, uh, what's up with you? What do I think I'm doing, this is a blog, you can't answer that. I need to chill. Breath. Get to my happy place. Hit it Corey!

I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can, so I can

Watch you weave then breathe your story lines

And I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can, so I can

Keep track of visions in my eyes

Wow, never realized how little those lyrics make sense. Well, I'm not liking this attention, so maybe I should stop letting you watch me weave then breathe my story lines. That sounded REALLY wierd when I repeated it to myself in my head. That makes me think of that song in a whole new way. Well, this couldn't go much worse. If I'm reciting Corey Hart lyrics one minute in, imagine what I will be doing in three weeks. Can we just all agree that Corey Hart sucks? Good. We are now one step closer to world peace. This has been an overall sucsessful blog post. Ah, who am I kidding? Anything with Sunglasses at Night lyrics is unsucsessful. No offense Corey Hart, lots of people made mistakes in the eighties.