Letters

Alien script Háwféri translated to modern English
Note: some punctuation may be different due to different phrasing by the extra terrestrial species.


Dear. Motherboard.

Eight months away from finishing full scan of planet 2eS4b (earth). Plentiful planet. (for sure) but the main life forms are quite. Peculiar.
As of the most. Recent scan, .. we have figured that the 'humans'  have a singular world. Leader or king.
Our scouts have not determined who this. Person is, but we have minimized the possible candidates to five Individuals.
Miley. Ray. Cyrus. Appears in numerous media systems. Quite popular among the .male.   Specimens. We believe that if we are to conquer this planet. We will have to annihilate her secret weapon we believe to be nicknamed "the wrecking  ball."

Honey. Boo Boo.
Smaller version of the Cyrus specimen, possibly a prototype genetically.
Appears to have control over the other individuals in her vicinity and is often broadcasted on their talking image machines.

Nash. Grier.
On almost all media systems we have found this .individual. To be quite dominant. My colleagues and I....... believe that this is our top candidate. Unfortunately. We believe him to have a matrix of defenses, so if we wish him to be in our. Power. We will have to first annihilate his nebula of .female. Slaves on a nebula known as vine. Finally we will have to kill his personal bodyguards known commonly as. Jack and Jack.

Stephen. Colbert.
If this man is there leader, we may want to avoid, contact with the earthlings. As he has the ability to hide and disguise commands to his followers through "Sarchasm".  Colbert. Is another likely possibility, his "Colbert Nation" is ever popular in human society. If we are to! Attack the earthlings, it will be almost impossible to tell wether there defence strategies are real, or just made to bring on the human sensation of laughter. This man scored high in popularity with our,"Intellectual" specimens.

One. Direction.
This military group almost certainly controls most of Europe and. North America. They broadcast their rallying  messages over every form of the radio medium. These radio messages were, in fact the first ever contact we received from the earthlings. They appear to be an extremely vain militia, as "the story of there lives" is memorized by countless earthling school girls. They use mind ccontrol tactics in there massage "best song ever". And destroy there followers self esteem with "you don't know you're beautiful". From the stories we have been told by our specimens, the may be happy to be enslaved, as it would mean freedom from their current oppressive Government.

Who do you think our leader is? Tell us in the comments!