Wednesday, August 13, 2014

the 9 circles of hell

1. All individuals sent to this level of hell are condemned to listen to an eternal speech by Elizabeth Warren.

2. Down to level 2 these poor people are enslaved into watching an eternal English soccer game.

3. 2 words: Chelsea. Lately.

4. Fall to circle four and you end up with a one way ticket to Mongolia.

5. If you mess up in your first life very seriously, they make you follow the path of Michael Jackson until you're scarcely more than a small, bleached rectangle of skin that sporadically emits sounds too high to be audible to the human ear.

6. In circle 6, you are doomed to an eternity of being a contestant on Hell's Kitchen that actually doesn't know how to cook.

7. If you end another human life, listen to Rebecca Black's Friday until you are convinced its decent music (so, forever).

8 if you are a multi-murderer or terrorist, continue with your normal life in circle eight, exept no Starbucks burrista will ever spell your name right again.

9. If you end up here, the devil makes you spend one weekend in Detroit.

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