Progress in the war

(And now a word from the president of the United States of America.)

Hello fellow Americans. As you all know, in the past months, our troops have been engaged in a bloody, fast moving, war. In recent weeks, only minor scrimmages have broken out between between out troops and the rebels. But I am pleased to inform you progress is being made. 

I know many people do not support this war. Many people believe Obesity should be fought with fruits and veggies, not guns and bombs. But many of you have not seen the horrors that face the citizens just happening to live on the front line. Believe me, if we opened our check points for just two hours, enough fatties would get through to take down New York City. This week, we pushed the rotund all the way to eastern Arkansas, and saved over a dozen POWs. But there is still more to be done. Small rebel groups fave broken out in as secure areas as Europe. If this happens in your neighborhood, we encourage vigilante justice. If you see a fattie, be it a man woman or child, shoot to kill. Due to there metabolism, there is no way to convert them back to hardworking Americans. 

Now, I know as well as anyone the toll this war has taken on our country. Some people claim to be unable to afford enough food for themselves and there children. But, considering our situation, that seems more like a blessing then a curse. Which is why I am now proposing to heighten all taxes on foodstuffs by 76% to fund our military campaign. I am not suggesting that everyone needs to become a die hart anorexic patriot, (it would help!) but all I ask is that you, as an American, teach your children the horrors of being a fat ass, should they ever be confronted with recruiters packing doughnuts. Remember, if we remain united, there is no fattie we can't bring down.

Until next time, remember: if they aren't fat, they aren't foes!